Jack Ass

It's so easy for certain feelings to slip through the skin and fiddle with my mood.
And when that happens, I yearn for instant solutions. 
Then I don't understand what to do about it,
how to save myself from it;
so I get restless and agitated
and dwindle down the path of worry. 

I have one life and many desires. 
Can I fulfill all of them? 
Because I like some more than others
but I hate none. 
So will they ever get fulfilled then? 
I don't know. 

I feel like doing this,
doing that,
doing everything at the same time.
But I master none. 
So I am Jack then. 

Was attempting a poem. Doesn't sound much like one but still conveys my problem. I need to understand when to accelerate and when not to. I can't suddenly panic and hope that immediately things will be okay because they won't. For eg: I am studying copywriting, so how I can expect to get a copywriting job when I have nothing to show to them? So if I want to take it seriously I have to study first, have some material of sorts to show. But I don't want to do a job! I can't. But then should I do one considering my finances? I don't know. There are so many I don't knows in life. Maybe things will reveal themselves to me in time. I gotta stop worrying. Weirdly, I remember my depressed days. Days of poor creativity. Now, I have lots of ideas and hell lotta time. Got use it. Why am i not using it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Brick by Brick

 Fairly better day in terms of mental space. Went smooth. Woke up after a more than satisfactory sleep. Then I think that meditation put me in a good place for sometime. I felt so good after meditation today - one of those days when the meditation hits the sweet spot. 

Wrote just 6 pages of my first draft and ended up missing a call from someone. I called her back but the person didn't revert. I called her twice. It was a her, yes. I thought that it was a work call. Maybe a casting call. Don't know. Usually, calls without any spam tag are work related. So I just hope she calls me again tomorrow. It's one of those things that when you are working you miss a call. Won't pin too much hopes on her though whoever this her is. It's just that one work call missed feels terrible. But what can I do? I can't write and keep my phone besides. I will constantly get distracted. Let's see tomorrow.

Dad looks extremely sad since yesterday. Stressed. Obviously he is desperate for a job but there is something that is bothering him. I overheard him talking to someone last night on the phone where he sound so low that it seemed that the person on the phone was shouting at him. One of those infamous calls that used to happen a lot in the past. I am used to it. He too is obviously. 

Sometimes I wonder what a life he has had! All was going fine and one day everything changed and went into minus. The last 13 years of his life - say, the prime of his working life, his building block days - went in misery and pain and loss of dreams. I don't even know what dreams he had or has. He is one of the biggest mysteries of my life. I don't know who the hell he is as a human being. I don't even know what he thinks of me anymore. He looks like a helpless man; a supremely underconfident man. I want to write stories about my relationship with him. I feel there is so much there. Maybe I do justice in the film script I am writing. Although it appears that it's going to take quite a lot of time to get to the final draft. 

Anyway. Such is life.

I will focus on doing less every day than pressurizing to do more. Less is more helps. 

Brick by brick I will make my house one day.

f IEFHI;EOWHFOWH VFRW

 why do i feel that this blog is the most satisfying thing I do in the day?

I remember how there was a sudden shift in my mood two days when i was writing something that i wasn't even interested in. i wrote a spin off of it the pleasure of creating that changed something inside me. i felt it immediately that my mood had changed. and it remained afloat for sometime then.

i dont know what's this pleasure one gets by doing something they desire to do. and with me, i know writing is that thing for sure. but when i begin to write resistance creeps in and my patterns creeps in. it's so strange that even if you love to do something it never is easy. and yes it isn't easy. everyday seems becoming more and more difficult.

and lonelier. 

my film got nominated for the Oscars. but how does that change things for me? it probably doesn't. i don't feel any change just that people commenting and liking on my social media posts. for a moment my loneliness faded away. i realise how insecure i am that my loneliness goes away when people interact with me or i get an opportunity to do so. maybe its a sign that i am a people-pleaser. actually i dont need a sign because i am one. i love to please people. that's why seeing people laugh on my jokes gives me satisfaction. 

money is of course a big problem for me. but i am beginning to realize that there is bigger problem i have. it's personal. very much. like father like son. yes. i feel i am a lot like my father. and i hate this. i want to run away from any kind of resemblance with him but i know i can't because genes? fuck them. i wish i could be more like mother. she is so resolute and patience and strong. is it that men aren't all these? just wondering. but i am one of those sons who don't feel proud when they are compared with their father. i look like him. now a days i feel my behavior is also a lot like him. he is broke. i am broke. we both are unemployed and living off mother majorly. i was so relieved when he wasn't at home but the more he is the more it pressurizes me. the more it makes me guilty that i too am like him and that i too am disappointing my mother. i think i have been a huge disappointment to my mother. she doesn't say it but i know. i can write about how i hate my father endlessly. so i must stop now. maybe i am wrong. but i know i am now wrong totally. i hope he gets a job and goes away to work. that's fucking convenient of me, isn't it? a son 27 yr old should be helping his friends by now than wanting them to work. well, fuck you society. i am trying - maybe need to try more - but its not just happening. so ufkc you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i feeel like destryoing my laptop. i so fucking want to bang itttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt

qre {KS  G

fuck bc

fuck man

godnd;anfliandvlnds

night

fuck you fuck offffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff

worthlesss shit

sorry soul

fuck you soul

fuck my life

bcccccccccccccccccccccccccccccc

broke fucker

pseudo fucker

Wtf

Fucked up.

Desperate.

What can I do to earn money?!?!?!?!

How to generate money from my writing? I know I can write!! Time to be shameless? 

Have to also satisfy my actor. 

This time is so tough. Fucking tough. Feels like putting out a Facebook post asking for work. 

Bad night. 

Smooth Writing

 How good smooth writing feels! The way I wrote today changed my mood completely. After so many days I felt uplifted and less insecure. Has my muse arrived? Don't know. But I gotta keep going until the finish line. Still a long way to go. So, one day at a time. One page at a time. One word at a time. 

Apart from that the day was nothing special. The recent meditations have been really a mood spoilers. I don't know what the hell is happening with my body. Those pee urges during meditation - and so fucking consistently - are really dominating my mind as a bad meditation spills its bad effects over for the next hour or so. I don't know what to do about it so as Sir said, I will just take it as it comes. Maybe I will get used to it as well.

Ending the day playing FIFA is not the ideal way but it was like a reward for good writing. So no hard feelings there. 

Tomorrow I have an audition. Well it's an open audition so I really don't know how is it going to be. I am kind off excited for it and looking forward to it. Haven't been in the acting groove for quite some months now so also am afraid but it's better to do than be fearful. I am not planning anything until I sense what has to be done there. Also, I hope I don't get to see any known person. And more than anything I hope that if I have to do a scene I get some privacy to do the scene than just perform in front of everybody. But now as I write I feel they might give us all a monologue and we will have to do it impromptu. Eee! Sounds jittery already. let's go, boy!

When Aai asked about my bank balance I sulked back into the usual insecure mode. The fact that it happened so naturally was a bit scary. Now I feel better. Weirdly, I don't know but... do I have a mental health problem? Am I depressed? Feels like it but I don't want to make judgements about serious matters.

To end matters for the day, I would say that let's hope I enjoy what I do tomorrow. And I don't return with an existential actor's feeling after the open audition. Also, I fucking hope that from tomorrow my meditations go back to being normal.

Gosh! I love to type! The sexy sound the keyboard makes when my fingers dance over it gives an inexplicable pleasure. 

I just realised how organized today's blog appears to be. Like one thought after the other. Maybe it's just an off day or a decent beginning to something good.  Don't know. Gotta sleep now. Big day tomorrow. The actor mode is on! However it gets on....

Night. 

Choices

 it's all about choices. what decision I make right now will have its ripples for years maybe. not all decisions but maybe some, or maybe one.

I am not going to Mumbai to just chill and for a "change". I am too broke for that right now. The right time will come and I will happily go then. 

It sounds so strange that I am surrounded by so many people who all seem to be richer than I am. They all have more money than I have. All the people I know, they all must have more digits in their account balance than I have right now. And I have never seen good money in my life. It has to do with my choices. A mix of good and bad ones, of course. 

Me deciding not to take job; me deciding to work only as a freelancer; me desperately searching out for multiple work instead of focusing and mastering one or two. It all has cost me in the life. All actors aren't as broke as I am. And I am literally broke. I see other actors doing other things to earn. Why can't I do that? I can do that. I have done that but not consistently. I love to write but my writings some how have stayed in my desktop rather than going out somewhere. And the new kind of writing that I am studying - copywriting - feels so new that I wanna procrastinate and imbibe material for it first. 

Right now, I want to maintain contact with people only virtually. Because meeting them would cost me money which I don't have. Although I am glad I have a roof over my head and food to eat whenever I want. 

Some days there is this urgency to do something. Then on other days I relax. I don't know what's the right way. Or is there even a right way to things. What I know; or what I have come to realize is that an artist's life is damn tough. Like writing my feature film script feels so tough. Every day I feel like giving up but somehow I am managing to write, or I should rather say managing to fill the pages. And the way it's going I can clearly see the deep rewriting I will be needing. But maybe it was suppose to happen this way. Maybe there is only way: the hard way. You do things and then you get better insight. 

Tomorrow morning is coming up soon and I am going to wake up feeling the world is racing away faster than me. I also feel this is the case with me because I always feel that I manage things poorly. One day I will read/write about something and for two days I will do something else. I have begin something I must stay with it. That's common sense, right? But before that common sense isn't there on more thing? That you will do it if you love doing it. But then comes the philosophy of Resistance. So it's too complicated if you keep digging. 

By the way, should I apply for that casting assistant job considering that it is freelance? Maybe I should. But before applying I need to come up with a strong reason why am I applying for it. And before that as well, I need to overcome my biggest problem: "What will people say?" It has been ruining me since I was born and I must stop letting it dominate my choices. If I feel like I must go for it. Fuck the people. My situation is unique than others'. It's easier said than done. 

Anyway. Let's see how tomorrow pans out. 

Bonus: I am happier when Mom is at home than when Dad is. I just realized this today. Mom's presence psychologically makes me happy than Dad's. Maybe it's their personal energies and moods and/or my personal equations with them one to one. 

Goodnight. Hope to see better thing(s) tomorrow. 

Insecurity is not pretty at all

Insecurity is the word these days. 

How much I can get insecure has no boundaries. All it requires is a trigger and the bomb explodes. But the effects of the explosion remain for a long time. 

Now I can understand what my peers would probably have felt when I was getting work and they weren't. It would have been tough on them too. To see a friend get projects while you still waiting for your door to open up. 

But this insecurity... how much time does it take from me! It hovers over my head and drives me through the mood by controlling my mood. Even when I am doing something there is a feeling of desperation that whatever I am doing must be achieved to its perfection today itself. Even though I know that perfection will take time. But this omnipresent feeling of desperation makes me feel like if I falter even for one second the world will forget me and my time will have run out. It could be true. It's a rat race eventually. I thought that by not doing a job I would avoid this rat race but I realised that we are all rats and this race is never going to end. Or maybe it will. 

I read that if you make up your mind you fears will go away. I made up my mind that I will do certain things in the day but then even while I am doing them there is this fear that steps in from its door and hovers behind my back making me feel its presence. 

Would life have been much different had the pandemic not been there? I don't know. I keep thinking about this but I never get any answer.

These days the insecurity is of not being in Mumbai and hence missing out on opportunities. But how do I go there and survive when I have no money? Earlier I could borrow from family but not I can't. My ego is too big for that. And maybe it's the societal construct or maybe it's my own desire to finally become independent because even at this age of 27 I am not independent. 

Sometimes I think whether what I am trying to is it ever going to reap something for me? 

I can't go to Mumbai. I can't go there now. I need money. I need money. It's been years I have lived broke. Once I tasted money and had some peace but still there was that fear of money finishing and work not coming again. the fear has been more or less the same over the course of years. It's just that it has become all the more intense. 

I want to go to Mumbai and begin to live there. Hoping to find work as an actor by trying my luck every day. 

But while I am here - broke - can't I still earn? I can. But can I do that by doing something I love to do? Act or write? I don't know. And hence the fear. 

Maybe this will pass and things will get better. 

I am working on my film script and hopefully I will complete it soon. I have to go for an open audition on Saturday. So looking forward to it.

And with copywriting, I got to breathe a bit than go berserk like a fool. Imbibe and then explode. 

My time to shine will come. Hopefully soon.

My time to not be broke will also come. Hopefully soon.

Goodnight.