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 why do i feel that this blog is the most satisfying thing I do in the day?

I remember how there was a sudden shift in my mood two days when i was writing something that i wasn't even interested in. i wrote a spin off of it the pleasure of creating that changed something inside me. i felt it immediately that my mood had changed. and it remained afloat for sometime then.

i dont know what's this pleasure one gets by doing something they desire to do. and with me, i know writing is that thing for sure. but when i begin to write resistance creeps in and my patterns creeps in. it's so strange that even if you love to do something it never is easy. and yes it isn't easy. everyday seems becoming more and more difficult.

and lonelier. 

my film got nominated for the Oscars. but how does that change things for me? it probably doesn't. i don't feel any change just that people commenting and liking on my social media posts. for a moment my loneliness faded away. i realise how insecure i am that my loneliness goes away when people interact with me or i get an opportunity to do so. maybe its a sign that i am a people-pleaser. actually i dont need a sign because i am one. i love to please people. that's why seeing people laugh on my jokes gives me satisfaction. 

money is of course a big problem for me. but i am beginning to realize that there is bigger problem i have. it's personal. very much. like father like son. yes. i feel i am a lot like my father. and i hate this. i want to run away from any kind of resemblance with him but i know i can't because genes? fuck them. i wish i could be more like mother. she is so resolute and patience and strong. is it that men aren't all these? just wondering. but i am one of those sons who don't feel proud when they are compared with their father. i look like him. now a days i feel my behavior is also a lot like him. he is broke. i am broke. we both are unemployed and living off mother majorly. i was so relieved when he wasn't at home but the more he is the more it pressurizes me. the more it makes me guilty that i too am like him and that i too am disappointing my mother. i think i have been a huge disappointment to my mother. she doesn't say it but i know. i can write about how i hate my father endlessly. so i must stop now. maybe i am wrong. but i know i am now wrong totally. i hope he gets a job and goes away to work. that's fucking convenient of me, isn't it? a son 27 yr old should be helping his friends by now than wanting them to work. well, fuck you society. i am trying - maybe need to try more - but its not just happening. so ufkc you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i feeel like destryoing my laptop. i so fucking want to bang itttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt

qre {KS  G

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night

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