Insecurity is not pretty at all

Insecurity is the word these days. 

How much I can get insecure has no boundaries. All it requires is a trigger and the bomb explodes. But the effects of the explosion remain for a long time. 

Now I can understand what my peers would probably have felt when I was getting work and they weren't. It would have been tough on them too. To see a friend get projects while you still waiting for your door to open up. 

But this insecurity... how much time does it take from me! It hovers over my head and drives me through the mood by controlling my mood. Even when I am doing something there is a feeling of desperation that whatever I am doing must be achieved to its perfection today itself. Even though I know that perfection will take time. But this omnipresent feeling of desperation makes me feel like if I falter even for one second the world will forget me and my time will have run out. It could be true. It's a rat race eventually. I thought that by not doing a job I would avoid this rat race but I realised that we are all rats and this race is never going to end. Or maybe it will. 

I read that if you make up your mind you fears will go away. I made up my mind that I will do certain things in the day but then even while I am doing them there is this fear that steps in from its door and hovers behind my back making me feel its presence. 

Would life have been much different had the pandemic not been there? I don't know. I keep thinking about this but I never get any answer.

These days the insecurity is of not being in Mumbai and hence missing out on opportunities. But how do I go there and survive when I have no money? Earlier I could borrow from family but not I can't. My ego is too big for that. And maybe it's the societal construct or maybe it's my own desire to finally become independent because even at this age of 27 I am not independent. 

Sometimes I think whether what I am trying to is it ever going to reap something for me? 

I can't go to Mumbai. I can't go there now. I need money. I need money. It's been years I have lived broke. Once I tasted money and had some peace but still there was that fear of money finishing and work not coming again. the fear has been more or less the same over the course of years. It's just that it has become all the more intense. 

I want to go to Mumbai and begin to live there. Hoping to find work as an actor by trying my luck every day. 

But while I am here - broke - can't I still earn? I can. But can I do that by doing something I love to do? Act or write? I don't know. And hence the fear. 

Maybe this will pass and things will get better. 

I am working on my film script and hopefully I will complete it soon. I have to go for an open audition on Saturday. So looking forward to it.

And with copywriting, I got to breathe a bit than go berserk like a fool. Imbibe and then explode. 

My time to shine will come. Hopefully soon.

My time to not be broke will also come. Hopefully soon.

Goodnight.