Choices

 it's all about choices. what decision I make right now will have its ripples for years maybe. not all decisions but maybe some, or maybe one.

I am not going to Mumbai to just chill and for a "change". I am too broke for that right now. The right time will come and I will happily go then. 

It sounds so strange that I am surrounded by so many people who all seem to be richer than I am. They all have more money than I have. All the people I know, they all must have more digits in their account balance than I have right now. And I have never seen good money in my life. It has to do with my choices. A mix of good and bad ones, of course. 

Me deciding not to take job; me deciding to work only as a freelancer; me desperately searching out for multiple work instead of focusing and mastering one or two. It all has cost me in the life. All actors aren't as broke as I am. And I am literally broke. I see other actors doing other things to earn. Why can't I do that? I can do that. I have done that but not consistently. I love to write but my writings some how have stayed in my desktop rather than going out somewhere. And the new kind of writing that I am studying - copywriting - feels so new that I wanna procrastinate and imbibe material for it first. 

Right now, I want to maintain contact with people only virtually. Because meeting them would cost me money which I don't have. Although I am glad I have a roof over my head and food to eat whenever I want. 

Some days there is this urgency to do something. Then on other days I relax. I don't know what's the right way. Or is there even a right way to things. What I know; or what I have come to realize is that an artist's life is damn tough. Like writing my feature film script feels so tough. Every day I feel like giving up but somehow I am managing to write, or I should rather say managing to fill the pages. And the way it's going I can clearly see the deep rewriting I will be needing. But maybe it was suppose to happen this way. Maybe there is only way: the hard way. You do things and then you get better insight. 

Tomorrow morning is coming up soon and I am going to wake up feeling the world is racing away faster than me. I also feel this is the case with me because I always feel that I manage things poorly. One day I will read/write about something and for two days I will do something else. I have begin something I must stay with it. That's common sense, right? But before that common sense isn't there on more thing? That you will do it if you love doing it. But then comes the philosophy of Resistance. So it's too complicated if you keep digging. 

By the way, should I apply for that casting assistant job considering that it is freelance? Maybe I should. But before applying I need to come up with a strong reason why am I applying for it. And before that as well, I need to overcome my biggest problem: "What will people say?" It has been ruining me since I was born and I must stop letting it dominate my choices. If I feel like I must go for it. Fuck the people. My situation is unique than others'. It's easier said than done. 

Anyway. Let's see how tomorrow pans out. 

Bonus: I am happier when Mom is at home than when Dad is. I just realized this today. Mom's presence psychologically makes me happy than Dad's. Maybe it's their personal energies and moods and/or my personal equations with them one to one. 

Goodnight. Hope to see better thing(s) tomorrow.