I feel I could curl in my bed and cry for sometime... but would it heal anything, would it provide solutions? No , it won't. Crying has never been a solution but a temporary solace act that has released nerve-calming hormones. My eyes have not been good since the typhoid has struck me; their strenuous nature has returned and they seem to get tired pretty easily again like they behaved in the past.
i have no money right now in my bank. the money from the web series has vanished and those days have returned where I become a liability to my parents...it fucking hurts to ask money from them...it is so agonizing, as if one would snatch a sandwich from a ten day old hungry man.
I am changing my home in Bombay and it was not my decision. My roomies called me telling me that they have found the perfect flat for us that suits our budget and is livable and we should shift in it asap. before i could contemplate my other options, I said yes, was that foolish of me knowing that I had no money but I never will have enough money, will I? How much patience will I show to sustain in that unhygenic room of ours where three people literally sleep together with two feet distance apart from them. dust falling over us 24x7 and the noise of the traffic a constant in our ears leaving us with no peace. we have ten thousand excuses to not live there. the only reason I am apprehensive of shifting to a new place is the first month expenses; right now they seem like a killer blow, an impossible task but I know I will have to turn to my parents to beg for the money. the play will not be paying enough, i fucking wish it did, ii fucking wish it was a production like dur se brothers which pays well to the actors... i would have earned a good 20k with the number of shows i put up and that amount would have done wonders to me financially, though I still would have asked for help to my parents but it would have been way less than what seems now I am going to ask.
the problem is not asking them because they will refuse to pay, the problem is that they are low on budgeting and somehow managing their own bills in between which my bills disrupt their financial stability which makes me feel utterly guilty because only I know how they manage it. they don't say no but there is a slight pause in between my question and their yes and that's where the real answer lies, that is where their fucking predicament lies, that is where my guilt is born out of, that is where the seemingly unending darkness engulfs me in its long fucking arms.
i have got two projects lined up but the money will not come until the next two months because the work is yet to begin. the web series and the writing web series; the money is ok and once it comes i will start surviving on my own but what after that? god, i can't think of it... i dont't want to think of when the web series will begin because i have been locked but now there seems to a big desert of emptiness and waiting for the call for the shoot. until the shoot begins the hopes of getting that money will keep decreasing but somewhere in my heart i am assured of the near future.
i am glad that i could survive the previous four months on my own and it felt great not asking for any financial help from mom and dad. i felt proud of myself but money has such a strong effect on me that the broken days are back and my pensive state has kicked in with the agony, of course.
am i a good son?
or am i a selfish son who takes his parents for granted? who knows that no matter what i will never be broke because i have parents' back...but i don't want to have that feeling at all....i just hope that i could earn enough to pay the bills, that's it. to earn more is a secondary thing in bombay because survival becomes such an uphill task that you just think of fulfilling the bank so much so that you can pay the rent and have some money for basic two meal food. what else do i spend on? drinks and ciggies? it is just a two time a month affair and i do not regret that. smoking became a daily affair and oh fuck yes! it was also one of the damn reasons why i had become physically weak and had lost weight... it all fucking adds up in the end. it does. it does. it does.
again... i stare into emptiness and darkness not knowing where life is going on in spite of the fact that I have work lined up just that i need patience and i need courage and ignorance to ask money for shifting in my new home. there, i have to be strong and fight my guilt. sorry dad sorry mom. i know you have been doing so much for me and all i can do is barely something for myself. i do not know when will your son crack the code of consistency in this harsh and mysterious industry; whether it will come from writing or from acting, i don't know aai and baba... i do know that i am trying and praying a lot and things seem to fall in place though sparsely but i somewhere feel that this is the year when things are going to turn for good and things are going to start becoming smoother... i just feel that... trust me, no?
i love you the most.
you do not know about the agony...sometimes i cannot handle it... i die many nights....
i have no money right now in my bank. the money from the web series has vanished and those days have returned where I become a liability to my parents...it fucking hurts to ask money from them...it is so agonizing, as if one would snatch a sandwich from a ten day old hungry man.
I am changing my home in Bombay and it was not my decision. My roomies called me telling me that they have found the perfect flat for us that suits our budget and is livable and we should shift in it asap. before i could contemplate my other options, I said yes, was that foolish of me knowing that I had no money but I never will have enough money, will I? How much patience will I show to sustain in that unhygenic room of ours where three people literally sleep together with two feet distance apart from them. dust falling over us 24x7 and the noise of the traffic a constant in our ears leaving us with no peace. we have ten thousand excuses to not live there. the only reason I am apprehensive of shifting to a new place is the first month expenses; right now they seem like a killer blow, an impossible task but I know I will have to turn to my parents to beg for the money. the play will not be paying enough, i fucking wish it did, ii fucking wish it was a production like dur se brothers which pays well to the actors... i would have earned a good 20k with the number of shows i put up and that amount would have done wonders to me financially, though I still would have asked for help to my parents but it would have been way less than what seems now I am going to ask.
the problem is not asking them because they will refuse to pay, the problem is that they are low on budgeting and somehow managing their own bills in between which my bills disrupt their financial stability which makes me feel utterly guilty because only I know how they manage it. they don't say no but there is a slight pause in between my question and their yes and that's where the real answer lies, that is where their fucking predicament lies, that is where my guilt is born out of, that is where the seemingly unending darkness engulfs me in its long fucking arms.
i have got two projects lined up but the money will not come until the next two months because the work is yet to begin. the web series and the writing web series; the money is ok and once it comes i will start surviving on my own but what after that? god, i can't think of it... i dont't want to think of when the web series will begin because i have been locked but now there seems to a big desert of emptiness and waiting for the call for the shoot. until the shoot begins the hopes of getting that money will keep decreasing but somewhere in my heart i am assured of the near future.
i am glad that i could survive the previous four months on my own and it felt great not asking for any financial help from mom and dad. i felt proud of myself but money has such a strong effect on me that the broken days are back and my pensive state has kicked in with the agony, of course.
am i a good son?
or am i a selfish son who takes his parents for granted? who knows that no matter what i will never be broke because i have parents' back...but i don't want to have that feeling at all....i just hope that i could earn enough to pay the bills, that's it. to earn more is a secondary thing in bombay because survival becomes such an uphill task that you just think of fulfilling the bank so much so that you can pay the rent and have some money for basic two meal food. what else do i spend on? drinks and ciggies? it is just a two time a month affair and i do not regret that. smoking became a daily affair and oh fuck yes! it was also one of the damn reasons why i had become physically weak and had lost weight... it all fucking adds up in the end. it does. it does. it does.
again... i stare into emptiness and darkness not knowing where life is going on in spite of the fact that I have work lined up just that i need patience and i need courage and ignorance to ask money for shifting in my new home. there, i have to be strong and fight my guilt. sorry dad sorry mom. i know you have been doing so much for me and all i can do is barely something for myself. i do not know when will your son crack the code of consistency in this harsh and mysterious industry; whether it will come from writing or from acting, i don't know aai and baba... i do know that i am trying and praying a lot and things seem to fall in place though sparsely but i somewhere feel that this is the year when things are going to turn for good and things are going to start becoming smoother... i just feel that... trust me, no?
i love you the most.
you do not know about the agony...sometimes i cannot handle it... i die many nights....
No comments:
Post a Comment